So I will tell you how I feel today….utterly, totally pissed off!! You will have to excuse my language but there is no other word that defines my feelings in the same way. PISSED OFF!! PISSED OFF!! PISSED OFF!! If you are offended then I am sorry but my blog is not for you. I promised to be open and honest and that is what I am being. I am pissed off with the world! Pissed off with my situation!! But most of all I am Pissed off with myself. Here I am, sitting with the most beautiful little girl, who gives me nothing but sweet smiles and baby chatter, who lights up my life everyday and I am asking myself the question Why? Why me? Why us? Why my little girl? I often feel like I need to stand on top of a mountain peak and scream with every bit of oxygen in my lungs, ‘Why me? Why us?’ I think of all the people I know with children and ask why not them? Why not my best friend with her three perfect children? Vile aren’t I but I promised to be candid and that is exactly what I am being. I want other parents going through this to know that this is a normal reaction. Believe me I have researched enough parents blogs and stories to know. Still it does not make it any easier to feel this way. This is why I am angry with myself. Annie-Rose is just so god damn awesome in so many ways. She has enriched all of those lives of whom she has come into contact within the last 6 months. Everyone is besotted with her. My family even argue over whose turn it is to hold her, cuddle her, play with her…including myself. Yet I cannot help but wish that she had the normal amount of chromosomes.
When I question why? I try to look beneath the why? I try to ask myself why it matters and honestly I cannot comprehend why it actually bothers me so much. For every reason I can give, I always have a rational logical argument against the reason.
Society can be cruel……………………Society can be cruel regardless of whether you have a special need or not.
She won’t fit in……………………………Why should she fit in? I am not one who actually likes to fit in anyway so what does it matter. I have taught my son Jamie to be himself and to relish his differences. To wear the clothes he likes, not the clothes he needs in order to conform to society. Jamie loves to dance, whilst his friends at school love football. Jamie is himself through and through regardless of society and its expectations. So why is it important that Annie-Rose fits in. Why is it such as issue?
What If people are nasty to her?…………..We all have people being nasty to us at some point at others in our lives. I just need to teach her the skills she needs to cope with these situations.
What if she is bullied because of her disability? ………… bullies do not actually discriminate. A bully can always find a reason to pick on someone as it is not anything to do with the victim but how the bully feels about themselves.
Will Annie-Rose ever get married, have a family?…………She may, she may not but that is true for any person, not just someone with Down Syndrome.
I could go on and on with this list but there is no need. The point I am making is that I have always got a logical answer to any thought I may have in regards to Annie-Rose and her future. So why do I feel so angry. It just does not make sense. I have read that when we have a child with Down Syndrome we have to grieve for the child that we imagined. I suppose this could be right. Imagination is a powerful tool us humans have. We use it everyday without knowing. I just wish that these feelings would subside. Don’t get me wrong it’s not something I struggle with Daily. I can go a week or so before these feelings take root again. I have days when I thank god for Annie-Roses extra chromosome as I know without it she would not be her. She brings so much joy to my life and makes me want to stand on top of that mountain peak i mentioned, filled with pride. Every little milestone she smashes makes me want to stand on top of that mountain, ‘shouting she did it! She did!’. The proudest mom in the world.
Here’s to hoping that the Angry days get less and less as time goes by and that I will one day accept Annie-Rose’s extra chromosome completely and be on that mountain, feeling free and happy, feeling the wind in my hair and thanking god for everything that life has thrown at us along our journey.
Here’s to hoping xx
Lots of Love,
From one Pissed off but grateful Mommy to Another xxxx